After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
