omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Randomize
