Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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