you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
