The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
