Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
