I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
