And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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