so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
