i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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