Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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