bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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