saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
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