If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
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