new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize