good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
