Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
