Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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