I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
