Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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