Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
