My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Randomize
