I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
