I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
