Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
