im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
