I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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