So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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