I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
So many bounce houses so little time
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
