I want to make a zoo with you.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
