fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
We had to coat check the pizza.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
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