just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
