You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
