She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
