remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
