You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
