I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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