Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize