Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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