I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
