just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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