I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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