Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
