I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
