Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
