well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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