I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
