did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
