I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
