I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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