So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
