you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
