And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
