You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
