look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
