I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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