Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
