True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
