my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
She bit a glass in half.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
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