So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Randomize
