Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
